The Hillbilly Ding-Dong Caper

The Hillbilly Ding-Dong Caper

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CAMERA FOLLOWS OFFICER MIKE, 30, toward the front door of a small home.

OFFICER MIKE (to camera):  We got a, uh, domestic disturbance call from one of the neighbors.  Gonna check it out.  Partner's off tonight, so I gotta be on my toes for this'n.

He knocks on the door.  After a moment, a skinny hillbilly guy in a tank-top answers the door.  He's BARRY.

BARRY:  What do you want?

OFFICER MIKE:  I'm got a call about a domestic disturbance, sir.  Have you been drinking?

BARRY:  Depends what you means by drinkin's.   I froze me up some transmission fluid and did it like jellah shots.

OFFICER MIKE:  Sir, that's really dangerous.  We need to get you to a hospital.

BARRY:  You'se aint's comin's inside!  Ain't nothin' goin' on here.

Office Mike slips past him easily, goes into the house.  An enormously fat woman, BETTY, sits on the couch, clutching a box of ding-dongs, crying.

OFFICE MIKE:  Evening, ma'am.  We got a call about a domestic disturbance.  You know anything about that?

BETTY:  He din't hit me.  I walked into a door.  Just... just tell him not to try and take my ding-dongs away.

OFFICER MIKE:  Ma'am it's okay.  But we can't help you unless you tell us the --

BARRY:  -- You gimme them there ding-dongs, woman!  I'll kill ye!

Barry CHARGES at Betty and tries to take her ding-dongs away, but he is met with a furious and surprisingly powerful barage of slaps to the face.  A brutal slapping match ensues, until Barry is finally knocked backward by an especially powerful slap.

BETTY (stuffing her mouth with like 5 ding-dongs):  Nobody' gone' take away my ding-dongs!

OFFICER MIKE:  All right well, I'm going to take your husband to the emergency room to get the transmission fluid pumped out of his stomach while you decide whether you want to press charges.  Enjoy your ding-dongs.

BETTY:  MY ding-dongs!  Mine!

She's smearing ding-dong chocolate all over herself as Officer Mike puts handcuffs on Barry and escorts him out.